Around The Way Girls

Words From The "Executive Producer"

This is a guest post from the executive producer of theBusDrivaChronicles, but you guys can just call me Eli. Many people don’t know this, but theBusDrivaChronicles is actually part of a network of blogs, it’s not the biggest and it’s not the smallest, but for some reason it requires the most amount of attention and hand holding in order to get anything done. Now you can imagine my surprise when I logged on Monday morning, and had a look at what is apparently our “flagship endeavor” around here, only to see that the entire post was about me. And not how great I am, or how lenient I am, or anything positive like that. Instead it was about how I am currently caught up, so to speak, in a war of words with the self-titled “Peoples Blogger”. Now I’m smart enough to know that you don’t really want to argue with Brad, seeing as though he’s an only child, and doesn’t really have anything better to do then drag out these affairs until you finally get bored, and give up. That of course is when he starts gloating about how “that’s right”, and “next time just listen to me” blah blah blah, and a whole bunch of other irrelevant trash talking nonsense that doesn’t even make sense. I also know better than to get into a pissing match with him, I won’t sit here and name call or down right make fun of him, we will save that for the “Drama Queen” over there himself, since he’s much better at it then all of us are put together. Instead I was thinking about the best way to handle this little situation we have on our hands. A sit down would have been a good idea, if of course we were dealing with a somewhat mature individual, which is just not the case. Maybe some sort of disciplinary action? Yeah right, this guy thrives on the threat of discipline. No, I thought the best way to rebut his statements was to sit down at his desk, take over his forum, and counter his allegations maturely and with facts and truth. Then let you decide who’s right and who’s wrong. So here’s what I’ve done. I’ve restricted his access, and won’t change it back until this post gets X amount of views. That way he will have no choice but to flyer his Facebook page, his twitter and his BBM list, like he normally does, to promote my side of the story. I mean after all its only fair right? When we get to X amount of views, I’ll change his access back, and we can go on with the show, as Brad would say. I know what you’re thinking, this isn’t the first time I’ve changed his password on him, so why doesn’t Brad just change it so I don’t know it. LOL, to know the answer to the question would mean you would really have to know Brad. All of his passwords are the same, and have always been the same, much to my chagrin. I tell him all the time to change them periodically, and mix them up, but he is worried that he won’t remember them. It all goes back to his very first computer in the mid 90’s. A computer BTW I should mention, I got for him. I think it was 1994, and I upgraded at the house, and asked him if he wanted my old 386, which at the time was a decent piece of equipment. He said sure, and I came over to his place, and we set it up. Now he had this little black book he used to keep for his “girls”, but it was more than just a phone book, it had codes, a starring system, “other notes” if you will. And he spent the next month imputing as well as expanding all these entries into the computer. Then, and till this day I don’t know why, he decided to password protect it. To be honest, I don’t even know how he figured out how to password protect it, but he did. Shortly after, I guess he was looking for a date, or as Brad would say “something to poke on”. Yes, he still said that, even almost 20 years ago, he really hasn’t changed all that much. But he couldn’t get into the protected file and called me freaking out. I laughed, jumped on the bus, came over and fixed it for him, and then made fun of him for it for a very long time. Since then, he uses the same password all the time, everywhere. I even recently got him a password keeper program, although I doubt he uses it. He probably can’t figure out how to unzip and install it. Which brings me to my first point, has anyone bothered to ask why he has such a mammoth computer for? There is no need in the world for him to have a computer like he has. The guy watches old school hip hop videos on YouTube, porn (and lots of it) and writes a Blog once a week. Yet he bought the biggest, flashiest and most expensive computer he could get his hands on. And he has no idea how to use it. Every other week I get a BBM saying, “Eli, my fucking computer is messed again. I need one of you tech geeks to get down here and fix it”. That’s actually Brad being somewhat nice, so I send a guy out there. One week, it wouldn’t turn on, the tech got all the way up there and all he had to do was plug it in. Why you would ever unplug your computer in the first place, I have no idea, and Brad couldn’t answer that either. Do you see what I have to deal with around here?

Alright so let’s start with his office, since he cries about it every other week. He does have one, in fact I’m in it right now. To be honest it’s not the biggest office we have here, but on the flip side, the guy comes down once a month, if that, and works from home the rest of the time, so why should he be entitled to the bigger offices with the nice views. That said, it’s not exactly the “mop closet” he insists that it is either. A lot of people would love to have an office like this, although I doubt it would kill him to dust it once in a while. The cleaning ladies refuse to come in here because once they moved his chairs around and OCD boy snapped on them for not putting them back exactly where they were. Hey, do you want to know why he doesn’t come down here? He will lead you to believe that its way out of the way for him, but the truth is he doesn’t drive anywhere south of Finch Ave. and never has. He is afraid to drive in downtown Toronto, because “the streets are so narrow, traffic is too chaotic and there are way too many people walking around”. May I remind you, this is a guy that drives a bus for a living, yet he’s afraid of narrow roads and traffic? He parks at the station and takes the subway down. No wonder it takes him forever to get here. He did drive south of Finch a couple of times, made it to Sheppard even, of course that was to see a girl, that apparently ended up getting sick of his crap and moved on, so I doubt he will do it again anytime soon.

What else did he cry about? Oh yeah, business cards and coffee mugs. For the former, I gave him an order form back in October, and he filled it in and submitted it to me. When I asked him to correct a mistake he made, he refused. It said “in what colour”, he checked both “Eggshell”, and “White”. I told him he had to pick one or the other, and he said he “wanted a blend”. I shook my head and tried to explain why that wasn’t possible, and in true “Diva” fashion he yelled out "Fuck that, make it happen”, and stormed out of the office. His order form is still sitting here in his inbox, not corrected, probably not even touched since, and that’s why he doesn’t have business cards yet. As for the coffee mugs, I thought that was a great idea, I did some research and sent him some forms to order them. He originally wanted 12, then it was 13, then it was 24, then 40. And not all in one colour either, 1 blue and green mug for someone in San Francisco, 6 pink mugs, 6 black, 2 in this colour, and 1 in that etc. etc. I repeatedly told him you’re not going to find anyone that is going to fill a ridiculous order like that, pick a colour, and order them. The usual, “I’m the Busdriva, they should be glad to fill my order” song and dance followed, further illustrating that there’s just no reasoning with this man. And the order form for the coffee mugs is still sitting right here, right on top of the business cards form. And speaking of forms, every time there is something to fill out, everyone in the office does it electronically and submits it, but for some reason Brad insists that he gets an actual form, fills in it by hand, and physically has to hand it in to someone. Whenever anyone asks him why he insists on do things the old fashioned way, he just says, “haven’t you seen I,Robot? This is how it begins”. Seriously, this is what I deal with.

His Twitter account, LMAO, this argument always makes me laugh. He wants a verified check beside his name so bad, but it’s just not going to happen. That’s on Twitter, not on me. Verified accounts are only for “high ranking” celebrities, not “in your own mind” celebrities. I told him he can apply for one but without a whole lot of followers you’re more than likely not to get one. And last time I checked 37 followers wasn’t a whole lot of followers. Brad can stomp his feet and yell as loud as he wants, but he just doesn’t get that Twitter doesn’t care about his only child routine. He is either going to have to get about 999,963 more followers or just get over it.

Yes, I have his “If I Ruled The World” post, and no I’m not holding it down as some sort of repression or whatever he wants to lead you to believe. I’m sitting on it because I’m tired of talking to him about checking spelling and proof reading his stuff before he hands it in. How is someone so articulate and well-spoken such a horrendous speller? When I open the file all I see are Microsoft’s little squiggly lines everywhere. Red ones, blue ones and yellow ones, and seriously, I don’t even know what the yellow ones are for, and can’t for the life of me find out. So apparently he screwed something up really bad. I ask him if maybe he didn’t see them there, and he says “fuck Microsoft, they’re idiots, spelling is cool”. Yeah, trust me, dealing with him gets somewhat redundant now and again. So I told him, when you spell check it properly, you let me know, and we can go from there. As a “man of principle”, he refuses. The post is actually really good, could be one of his best, but his own stubbornness is what is holding it back, not me.

As for his ramifications, let’s face it, he’s not going anywhere. Yeah yeah, a lot of people would love to have his name and his brand in their stable, but he is a Princess plain and simple, and he knows it. He also knows no one except a longtime friend of 20 years would put up with his crap. In fact, I actually enjoy his crap, to an extent. It’s actually a nice break in the day, a refuge from reality if you will. If I didn’t know him as well as I did, I wouldn’t believe that he thinks the way he does, but he actually does think differently than the rest of us, and it shows in his writings. And yes, we do go that far back, which makes this feud he’s starting even funnier. He forgets that in grade nine I used to cut his hair and we used to put crazy designs in it, and if I look hard enough I can probably find pictures. He forgets that I took him to get his first tattoo, and yes he cried like a baby. He forgets how many times I was the “designated driver” and he had WAY TOO much to drink, and all the crazy things I convinced him to do at 4 in the morning. I could write a book on this guy that would absolutely bury him. Why would he start a beef with me? And if I did put out a book, his days of serial dating would be over, which leads me to my final point. Out of all these girls he blogs about dating, has anyone seen any of them? We know Brad doesn’t use names and that’s fine, but maybe a picture or any proof at all that they actually do exist? And let’s say for argument he does date this many beautiful women, has anyone ever noticed that he never talks about a second date with any of them? I’ll leave that to your interpretation.

Is this thing on?

So, that was a longer break than I anticipated. I think my brain, or at least the part that can write more than a pithy Facebook status, took an extended hibernation for the past year.

I must pause now and take a moment to mourn all the brilliant musings and random thoughts that popped up and that I failed to capture and write down.

Some of them were epic. It is amazing what brilliance I am capable of while washing the dishes or stumbling down the hall at 2:00 a.m. to respond to baby #3's cries. But, during the day, while trying to be a fully-formed adult? Well, 2011 was a bit of a wash-out.

Onward, now then, near voyager, to 2012. The New Year's resolution gauntlet has been thrown down. Let the blogging commence.

There's Trouble A Brewin..............

I’d LIKE to talk about a lot of things this week. LIKE being the operative word. I’d like to talk about this new book I’m reading, and how it’s stretching, strengthening and toning my mind in ways my mind has never been worked before. But I can’t do that. I’d like to talk about a date I was recently on, or at least I thought it was a date, but apparently it was just an extendo booty call of sorts, and how I feel about it, since I was (am) actually kind of fond of this chick. But I can’t do that either. I’d like to share a couple of stories from the bus, as this week was exceedingly cold, and people were most definitely in a “mood” which always leads to great fodder, or how I went to No Frills, and got ripped a new one by the cashier because I didn’t get the toilet paper that was on sale, or maybe give my thoughts on the NFL playoffs thus far, maybe even a prediction or two, but no, I can’t get into any of that this week. This week I can’t talk about any of the things I want to talk about, because something has come up that desperately needs to be aired out and addressed. For once and for all, ramifications all be damned. What I need to go in on this week, is a common enemy you and I both share. A man that sticks his head where it doesn’t belong time and time again. A man who thinks he is very much larger than the entity itself. A man that goes out of his way to make life hell for your favorite blogger, limiting and hampering the very creative juices that make this blog not only a destination on the internet, but in a lot of cases THE destination on the internet for some 400 plus readers a week. A man, that through whatever limited role he plays, seems to think that without himself, you and I would be without as well, thinks he is a spoke in the wheel, as opposed to the pothole that that wheel actually roles over, and thinks that he is the reason we all gather around our computers, tablets and phones every week to come together and revel in what can only be considered as ground breaking, earth shattering, hell raising, sun moon and stars type written offerings. Who is this man you ask? Well it’s no other then The Executive Producer of the BusDrivaChronicles himself of course.

Now it’s no secret trouble has been brewing around here for some time. You needed go further than the pages of this very blog itself to find out how not only him, but that whole damn production team treats me around here. They all seem to forget, I’m the personality in this, not them. Not them with their little iPad’s, and their Android phones, and their stupid Bluetooth things hanging out of their ears, running around and making lots of money and shit. No one cares about any of that crap, or maybe they do, but they sure as hell don’t when I have something to say, that’s for damn sure. People come to this blog for ME. Period. No comma, no exception, they come for ME. So why is it that I get the mop closet of an office? Why is it I don’t get invited out to play mini golf? Do I need to trade in my BlackBerry, get one of those stupid ear pieces and wear tight pants so that I can go to that queer ass deli they all go to for lunch every damn day? Maybe they all need to learn a thing or two about supply and demand. Because without me, what they have left over to supply sure as shit isn’t being demanded anywhere I know of.

So this is what happened, and I’ll be the first to admit, the spark that set off this raging war was somewhat petty. But in all its pettiness is revealed just how deep the waters of anger really are. We all know I don’t go down to the office very often, but the other day they were filling out brackets for the NFL playoffs, and any time a guy like me gets to fill out brackets with a bunch of computer geeks, all I can think about is “easy money”. So I went down there. As I’m there filling out my sheets he sees me and asks me to “step in his office, for a brief word”. That’s never a good thing, right? So I go in and he says “shut the door please”. The only time I close doors is when I go to sleep, other than that I’m an open door kind of guy, so I refuse. He says fine. Then he asks me if I got his email the other day. The email in question was a bitch move entirely. He sent me an email at 4 in the morning with tips on how I should improve MY blog. Not his blog, MY blog. I said “yeah I got it, and…….” He says, “Well why didn’t you respond?” So I go on to explain that at the time I got the email I was in the middle of reading an extensive philosophical essay titled “The Finger and The Moon” that basically explains in detail the confusion people endure whilst trying to follow a religion, or religions for that matter, mired in contradictions and inconsistencies, and how they usually end up just being lead with little to no understanding of said religion at all. He didn’t care. He says again “Why didn’t you respond?” I said “Meat head, I WAS READING!!!!” Well that didn’t go over to good, and we got to yelling. In fact we were going back and forth so hard and so loud that everyone in the entire office was standing around the open office door hanging on to every word, wondering if punches were about to be thrown. And I mean everyone. The whole team, the receptionists, the cleaning crew, and even the guy who fills the pop machine were standing by in anticipation. It was almost Mayweather Pacquiao in there. Finally, the repair guy, who happened to be there to fix the sauna, and who just happens to be about twice the size of both of us put together came in and broke it up. Not because he cared, but because Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance” came on the radio, and he couldn’t hear it over our screaming. Good thing for the Executive Producer that the repair guy likes his Whitney Houston because I was ready to lay a beating on him too.

My Side of The Story

There are a handful of things that he has done, is doing, and apparently will continue to do that drive me up the wall, show complete disrespect and display nothing but abuse of (alleged) power on a regular basis. I’m going to list just three of these situations, so you can better understand exactly what kind of shit it is I have to put up with regularly around this dump.

Business Cards and Coffee Mugs

-How long have you and I been doing this for now? About 5 months or so, right? When we first started this thing I told him I wanted some business cards made up, for promotional purposes (and for picking up chicks of course), he said “that’s a good idea, I’m on it.” Fast forward to present day, still no business cards. Whenever I bring it up to him, he gives me some song and dance about how they are “re-branding the parent company” and once they get that sorted out my business cards will become a priority. Excuse me, but what the fuck does the parent company have to do with my blog? I don’t want anything on these cards except the www, the email address and the twitter name. Don’t water my shit down with whatever else you have on the go, we are here to promote me, not you’re other endeavors. It’s all about pecking order here, and I’m the driving force behind everything else you have in the works, or at least that’s what I was told when I signed my contract to do this damn thing in the first place.

-On the plane back from Cancun in November, I took briefs periods off from day dreaming about San Fran, so I could brainstorm ways to make the blog a little more special, perhaps a Christmas promotion of some sort. When I got off the plane I immediately called him to find out where my limo was, because whenever a celebrity gets off a plane there is supposed to be a limo waiting for him (apparently this guy doesn’t watch Entourage), and after he tells me to call a cab, and no I’m allowed to expense it, I tell him my idea. For Christmas I wanted to do a promo where the first 12 people who emailed me with a blog topic got a BusDrivaChronicles coffee mug. I would then take the 12 people’s ideas, and the first week of every month for all of 2012 would be “The People’s Choice” post’s. Bringing the title “the people’s blogger” to heights previously unimaginable. Do you remember hearing me announce that contest? No you don’t. Do you want to know why? Because I’m still waiting on my fucking coffee mugs, that’s why.

Twitter/Facebook

-One of the things he is always on my ass about is tweeting. We get emails daily begging, pleading even, for me to tweet more. Well, here’s the skinny on that folks, a long time ago I told him I wanted one of those verified checks beside my name, so that the people would know it is in fact me they are following and not some knock off imposter just posing to be the BusDriva. He said he will look into it. Now I’m no fool and I’ve fallen for that before, so I took a stand. If there is one thing the Executive Producer hates, it’s Facebook. He and Zuckerburg have some history, and although he has never fully told anyone the story, speculation around the water cooler is that he was a forefather of Facebook Canada, but left due to creative indifference. That comes as no shock to anyone, does it? So in retaliation for him not taking my request seriously, until I get a verified check beside my Twitter name, I decided that I will just use Facebook for my updates and thoughts, which I like better anyway for 2 reasons. One because sometimes my wit and creativity just can’t be contained in 120 characters, and two, because he hates it.

If I Ruled The World

-In the early part of December I did a post titled “If I Ruled the World”, and yes, it’s about as good as you are thinking it will be, maybe even better in fact. Since it’s somewhat controversial, and my contractual obligation states “any controversial posts must be submitted and cleared by both the legal department and the public relations department before being released”, I submitted it for approval. It’s been over a month now. How long does it take to rubber stamp that bitch in two cubicles, and give it the green light? This post could very well go on to become the biggest and best post in blogging history, it could dwarf “It”, and even knock the “Shit That Annoys Me” trilogy right out of the water. And after my Rob Ford post, how could anything I submit possibly get held up by red tape? This is either censorship in its purest form, or its one man purposely holding another man down, for no other reason than resentfulness. I’m starting to think “If I Ruled the World” will become to me, what the “Detox” album has become to Dr. Dre. Highly, HIGHLY anticipated, but never released. And that’s just downright unacceptable.

His Side of The Story

Fuck him. Who the hell cares.

Ramifications

The bottom line here folks is respect. That’s all I or anyone else could ever ask for. Yet I’m not getting it. Why I’m not getting it, I have no idea. All I do around here is pour blood, sweat and tears into this blog week after endless week. And let’s not forget, this is a side job for me, I have a full time job as well. I also have a gym to go to daily, and a personal life that doesn’t manage or run itself. Heaven forbid I should want to get my hair cut or have a little sex somewhere along the line. But I show up, every seven to ten days, rain hail or snow to bring you exactly what you want, and want you deserve. I go out of my way to make both this blog and my Facebook page an escape for you, an escape from your regular daily routine. A place where you can go and forget about whatever it is that boils your blood, or whatever it is, that plainly you just want an escape from. Maybe it’s the wife (or husband) and kids, maybe it’s the housework, maybe it’s the weather, maybe its work. You always know you can turn to me, because I’m always up to something, not because I enjoy being up to shit, but because you need me to be up to shit. And during this whole process the Executive Producer cashes in. He cashes in on my exploits, on my words, and on my readers faithful followship. Your loyalty is something I take very seriously, yet to him, you and I both are just a payday, a mortgage payment, office lease, car note, gas money AND beer money. We are that bloody big! You’d think he would go out of his god damn way to get me a verified check beside my god damn Twitter name and some god damned coffee mugs wouldn’t you?

I’ll tell you, things are going to change around here, and change fast, or else the results will be simple. I’ll take my ball, and my 400 plus weekly readers, and go somewhere else and play. Together you and I have created a brand that any number of people would love to host. People that would have business cards delivered to my front door the next day. People that wouldn’t hold up posts because they are “controversial” whaa whaa whaa, “you mentioned religion” whaa whaa whaa, “called out racism” whaa whaa whaa. People that would care about the time and effort I put in here, and the time and effort you, my readers take to stop by and read. And when I go, what’s he got left? Is he going to do this blog by himself? What’s the BusDrivaChronicles without a BusDriva? What is he going to call it? “TheChronicles”? Oh, that’s attractive, I can’t wait to check those stats. Maybe he will become the personality here. Won’t that be something? Then he can call it “TheLittleManWithNapoleonSyndromeChronicles” or maybe “ComputerGeekWithASmallPenisChronicles”. He can talk about programming, and World of WarCraft and entertaining shit like that. I’ll tell you this much, if I don’t get a verified check, some business cards, a box of coffee mugs and some god damn respect, we will all find out what he’s going to do and what he’s going to call it then, wont we?

Live and Direct From................ The Laundry Mat?!?!?

The dryer at the house is broken. So this morning, I packed up the dirty clothes, grabbed the soap and the bounce, and took the show on the road. Good thing I brought the laptop as well, because if there is one thing I learned today, it’s that people at the laundry mat are just down right miserable. With the exception of course, of the little Korean lady that runs this place, she’s actually pretty awesome. And for a lady in her mid, I would say, 40’s, not too hard on the eyes either. Her husband is usually kicking around somewhere too, his name is Champ, and he’s always got a little bounce in his step, which leads me to believe she handles her bedroom business just as good as she throws a one inch cuff in a pair of slacks. Good thing for Champ, hitting other people’s girls is my old bad habit, otherwise he’d be bounce less, and I would have to go all the way across town to get my clean on. Anyway, back to the other three people in here, I’ve said hi, waved or smiled at each one of them, and not one has acknowledged me. I’m starting to figure out, while this may be a mild inconvenience for me, a field trip of sorts if you will, having to come here every week always and forever must really suck nuts. One lady in particular though, we were using washing machines right next to each other, when she looked at me, in what I thought to be acknowledgment, so I said, all fun and stuff, “Let’s do some laundry!!”, while I stuffed my clothes in the washer, smiling. Nothing at all, not even anything resembling a response from her, but don’t worry, she will get hers soon enough I’m sure. So much for trying to have some fun while I’m here, I guess its remote blog time. Which is kind of a fun idea, no research, no particular topic, just you and me, having a little one sided conversation. I’ll just freestyle it, we’ll tell some stories, maybe a dirty joke or two, and just for good measure I brought my musings pad along with me. For those of you who don’t know, I keep a pad in my pocket at work, and when something pops into my head, I jot it down, 9 months later, voila….. musings are born. I don’t have as many ideas in there as I would like, but I brought the pad anyway, just in case I have to fill some space. Ok, to be truthful, I didn’t bring the pad, I just didn’t empty out my work shirt pockets when I threw my clothes in the basket, and I stumbled upon it right now, thankfully of course, before it got washed, and my ideas would have been lost forever. But either way, it’s here, I’m here, you’re here, and what the hell else do we need? Maybe a bit of Jell-o, and the Footloose soundtrack, and then we’re really having a party! There’s another pretty good reason for doing a remote post. I’ve been doing a bit of research, at the beck and call of the Executive Producer of TheBusDrivaChronicles (the ball breaking prick, who has time to do research?), and from what I’ve read, the key to a good blog is the personal touch. Apparently people want to know the blogger not just for what he writes, but for who he is, and posts like this, mailbags, and week in reviews do just that. Don’t let the blog become a newspaper, but at the same time don’t let it become a daily diary. Or some shit like that. At least that’s what I had to promise I took from our little exercise before he would let me log off of Skype, seriously, who is this guy. There’s nothing worse on this planet than a boss with nothing better to do. More on that meeting in a bit though, let’s talk.

So what’s going on? Oh I know, the new Batman movie is coming out soon. And by soon I mean like 6 months or something stupid like that. Why do they do that? Tell me about the movie like a week, week and a half before it comes out. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to walk around with an erection for 6 months? It’s only slightly more embarrassing than getting an erection over a Batman movie in the first place. Speaking of erections, Cat woman?? I can almost guarantee that no one will see the actual suit until you see the movie. It will never make the trailers. It’s just too big of a draw. You know Christopher Nolan won’t let us down, and I can hardly wait for Hallowe’en already. What did let me down though is that during the previews I’ve watched, they keep telling me this is going to be the final installment. I don’t appreciate that at all. I know that it has to end eventually, but I don’t want to know when, and I certainly don’t want to know this early. Let’s set up a metaphor for how I’m feeling about this. Let’s say you’re dating this ridiculously bomb blonde Asian chick, who’s got tons of money, a mean Jeep Grand Cherokee SRT8 that she lets you push, a bad ass condo close to your work, with a full gym downstairs, complete with pool, steam room, and hot tub. And this chick is a giver. If you see it in porn and it turns you on, she’s doing it, repeatedly, with blatant disregard for her own satisfaction. The chick can cook her ass off too, and although she’s in incredibly amazing shape, her dinner interests are pretty much kept at anything deep fried, greasy, or of course pizza. Never anything fancy or unpronounceable and certainly none of those annoying ass vegetables. And to top it all off, she can rub a back like a back was meant to be rubbed. Now, out of nowhere one day, she says she has a twin sister, no wait, TWO twin sisters, and they are identical in every way possible. And this weekend you had better take some sick days, because they are all coming over, and the four of you are going to go through the entire Kama Sutra until you nail every position in there perfectly. You will stop only to check sports scores, BBM the guys with pics, and eat fresh fruit and BLT”S with extra bacon. Here’s the catch though, after that weekend, the relationship is over. Done. Break up city. How you would feel before the weekend is how I feel about knowing The Dark Knight is ending. I don’t want to know about it now, let me have my weekend of bliss, and just flash “THE END” when it’s done. It’s going to be tough to enjoy with this information up front. I mean, I’ll enjoy the hell out of it, but I really wish I didn’t have that tidbit of news. With all that said though, Bane looks like he is going to be monster, and Christian Bale, who happens to be one of my favorite actors, looks like he, as usual is bringing his A game. I can’t wait.

Landry Mat update:
The lady who didn’t find me funny? Well, she just dropped a whole basket of folded laundry on the floor and now has to re fold it all. Looking at these floors, I would probably be inclined to re wash them as well. Do you still think I have no say in the power of balance in the universe? That’s what you get for not being impressed by Mr. Personality over here.

These dryers are massive. I kind of want to crawl into one of them, they are that big. If someone else was here with me I probably would, and get them to turn it on, and see if I tumble. That would be pretty damn hilarious

Oh, and Champ may have been reading over my shoulder when I was talking about his wife. He is just standing in the corner staring at me, and stretching. There’s a very good chance I’m going to get a serious beating when I walk out of here. Oh well, that’s the price you pay for cutting edge journalism I suppose.

Hey, let’s talk about that meeting I had with the team a little bit more. So I get an email saying I have to come down to the office for some meeting about direction with the blog, and feedback, and ideas, and blah blah blah. But I didn’t believe it. I thought I was getting fired, primarily because it was CC’d to everyone I answer to around here. And secondarily because I probably should be fired before I get us into any kind of serious trouble. I’m still waiting on them to get back to me with my “If I ruled the world” post that I submitted and never heard back on. Ya, it’s that controversial. Hopefully I’ll have it back by next week, because I’ve been dyeing to post that one. But I get this email, saying I have to come down there and have a sit down. Now, for those of you who don’t know, I work 35 minutes away from where I live, slightly to the west. TheBusDrivaChronicles office is located right downtown, slightly to the east. That’s basically a whole day of driving, before I go to work and drive all night long there, and just to get fired? I figured, screw that, I’ll Skype in, and they can fire me online. So the meeting was scheduled for 1pm, at 1:20pm I logged on, and would you believe it, no one was even surprised. Pfft, like they even know me. But it turns out I’m not getting fired, yet, and they actually wanted to discuss ideas, go through some feedback, and do a couple little exercises like the one I told you about earlier. One of the main ideas they have is BusDriva TV. They want to do a VLOG once a month. And if it works out, maybe start a page specifically dedicated to it. I’m not really sure how much spare time they think I have on my hands, but I do like the idea. Something we discussed is that I have a unique way of talking, whereas my delivery and intonation say as much as my words do, and once in a while it gets lost in translation when I write it down. It’s something that apparently those that know me well can really identify with, and it’s a problem that will be avoided by VLOG’ing. The problems we discussed was accessibility, will everyone be able to view the VLOG on whatever browser or phone they are using, and what would we use to upload it. When I suggested YouTube everyone laughed, and said that’s a stupid idea. I guess I’m not smart enough to know why, but I am smart enough to know that they are all computer geeks, and computer geeks are gay anyway. Screw it, it’s there problem not mine. If they do figure it out, we could have some serious fun though. Maybe do a VLOG from the bus itself? What about a live from the BeerFest VLOG, or a coffee shop edition? San Francisco anyone? If I go down there to VLOG, they would have to foot the bill, right? First class all the way, baby. Stay tuned, I’ll keep you posted as things develop.

But hey, listen, I got to wrap things up here, my clothes are dry, and Champ must have went for lunch, or to get weapons or something, so I gotta make a run for it while he’s stepped out, I got a date this evening, and I don’t feel like showing up with a black eye. I’ll drop a few musings for you to read, and then I’ll make a dash for the door, screw the OCD, I’ll fold the clothes at home. Before you go any further get back to Facebook and hit the share button, views were down last week, and The Boss didn’t not bring that up, a bunch of times……… Hang in there, and I’ll see you next week……………

Musings…………………………

I have no idea what the difference is between a scarf and a pashmina, and too be honest, I’m just fine with that………………………….
One thing that really annoys the shit out of me is when people update their BBM, Facebook and Tweet the same thing at the same time constantly. How do you spell overkill?.........................
If you’re looking for a great porn site check out Video Diva, they have everything. Yes even that. Shit, mom, skip that one……………………………….
The next time you have some prescription narcotics laying around, or non-prescription, if that’s what you do, do yourself a favor, double the dose, and watch A Clockwork Orange. Thank me later……………………..
This week’s blog love goes out to tdotlive.com if it’s hip, urban, or relative to Toronto, you’ll find it here. That’s the nephews’ site, and he keeps it going real strong, have a look around next time you get a chance……………………….
Can we stop calling it a glove compartment sometime soon? I don’t even think since its inception a single person has ever once put a pair of gloves in there. There must be a more fitting name. If we use my car as the template, it would be called “the cologne and Viagra compartment”………………………………..
So this Russian lady gets on the bus wearing a fur coat. I say, “wow, nice coat”, she says “it’s Chinchilla”, I say “really”, and she says “feel it”. So I run my hand along the lapel, which of course is located directly above her breast. I say “ooohhhh”, she says “right? So soft and warm”, I say “the jacket is nice too!” She giggles and blushes. How is it I’m not disciplined severely on a daily basis?..............................
A girl with a nose ring is sexy. A girl with a Labret piercing might be a little sexier. A girl with a tongue ring, well, you know. But when a girl has all three, she just looks ridiculous, and needs to bring it down a notch. Knock it off, your over accesorizing………………………………..
One thing I’m figuring out, mail order brides seem to look a little less expensive with every date I go on…………………………………….
There’s a really big difference between a psychiatrist and a counselor. A psychiatrist can get up off the pad and prescribe something to calm you down, where as a counselor teaches you coping techniques. I seriously need to think about making a change, because counting to ten and thinking about the colour green really isn’t fucking cutting it anymore…………………
You can say what you want about country music, but Montgomery Gentry is just great drinking music…………………………………………
There’s a reader out there that constantly calls me pretentious, right to my face even. So let’s clear this up once and for all right now. There is absolutely nothing deceptive about my air of importance. Good, that’s all cleared up………………….
I really want a Segway……………………………………………
It’s actually probably a good thing I’m not a Jedi because I would take “abuse of power” to a whole other level. Forget light sabers and mentally moving objects, that mind manipulation thing could make for some seriously enjoyable evenings……………………………………………

It's A Mail Bag, Your Feed Back Addressed.......................

We at the BusDrivaChrinicles actually get inundated with a ton of emails. It’s really quite flattering to be honest, even more so than the page views, or the 4 or 5 times a day that someone says “hey, I read your blog”, or the amount of shares. Mainly because anyone can read something, that only takes a few minutes, well, I suppose in our case more like 10-12 minutes since I do have a tendency to go on and on. But for someone to actually sit down and write some sort of correspondence or to ask me a question, that’s really more of a measuring stick as far as impact and importance, in my mind anyway. So we are going to kick of the New Year with a handful of emails we’ve gotten, just because we haven’t done this in a while, and the mailbox was pretty full. I also like these because it’s a good chance for you to get to know me a little bit better personally, and to be fair, I’m really pretty awesome, so who wouldn’t want to do that, right? As is the case whenever I do a mailbag, I’ll empty out the inbox, and start over. So keep the feedback, questions and suggestions coming, and if you didn’t make this month’s mailbag, be adamant, maybe you’ll make next months. Happy New Year, stick to those resolutions, enjoy the mail, and we shall see you next week.

Hey Busdriva, it’s been about a year or so since I’ve talked with you, and I really need one of those 2 hour long coffee and baseball chats we used to have sometime soon. Since you don’t answer your phone, I thought I’d email you here, and ask what your thoughts are on the Blue Jays next year, I really thought that we were going to get Darvish, and was hoping on Prince Fielder, which would have proved they were serious about contending, what are your thoughts? Predictions?

Haha, hey buddy, I know I’m horrible at answering phones and returning calls, that’s my bad, and yeah, we will set something up soon, hopefully. Now, Anthopolous and company are still branding 2012 as another rebuilding year, with 2013 being the season they start to make a push. Which was the game plan all along. And yes a commitment like Darvish and Fielder would have definitely showed a different plan altogether, but the reality of the Darvish situation is this, 50 million just to have the rights to negotiate with someone? That’s really kind of silly, especially someone who has never played Major League baseball. Now he could very well turn out to be the next Daisuke Matsuzaka, but he could also turn out to be the next guy you never heard of because he never made it out of the minor leagues. Also, his handlers have made serious mention of the fact that IF he does decide to play MLB, he will insist on playing only on the west coast, so he can be as close as possible to his home land, Japan. He sounds like a Prima Donna already if you ask me. And as far as Prince Fielder goes, I’m not going to lie to you, thinking about him in this order, giving Bautista protection, actually makes me a little erect. But again, the reality of it is, he wants x amount of money, for 10 years. And I’ve never been a fan of the ten year contract, especially for someone in Fielders shape. I have no doubt that had he wanted 5 years, the Jays would have opened the wallet and given him however much he wanted, because buying Bautista more fastballs is in fact priceless, but Bautista didn’t get a ten year, and he’s the franchise player, so by association, no one will. Fuck that would be nice though. As for a prediction, AA can tell us it’s going to be whatever kind of year he wants to tell us it’s going to be. But I honestly think, with the all the turmoil in Boston, and the Yankees just getting older every year, with the team that Toronto has, they are going to make a lot of noise this season, and if they add that new wild card spot in 2012, like they want to do, the playoffs are a no brainer. This lineup is young, talented and mostly signed to be together for a long time, and the next 5 years or so are going to be a good time for Blue Jays baseball fans.

So I read the article on Rob Ford, and I have to say, I agree with everything you wrote, but aren’t you afraid of repercussions, seeing as he is the Mayor of Toronto, and you technically work for him, being a city of Toronto employee?

Well, to be honest there isn’t really a “technically” about it, he is the Mayor, but I wouldn’t say I work “for” him. There are a lot of channels between him and I, and I doubt he would be willing to go through them to get to me. With that said I did think about that, and had a talk with the Executive Producer of our beloved site, and he went on to explain to me this freedom of speech thing, whereas, basically, I’m pretty much aloud to say anything I want to say and express whatever opinions I may have, as long as I’m not making radical shit up with the intent to defame anyone, especially anyone with political clout if you will. I tried to back all of my points up with either statistics or logical reason, and I feel I did a fair job of such, and even the slight jabs I threw in here and there aren’t exactly without merit, but are hardly defamation worthy. But whatever the case, I know a really good lawyer, and she’s fucking hot as hell too. She may have to touch up on her international laws to come save my ass, but that shouldn’t be an issue, besides a visit is a visit right?

Hey, if you had a dream come true, who would be in bed with you? Nicki Minaj or Rihanna?

I love this question. Ok, let’s see. Neither to be honest. If I had a dream come true, it would be both Nicki Minaj AND Rihanna, and we wouldn’t be in bed. We would be in a hot tub, right beside the bed. The bed would be occupied by Beyoncé, Kelly Rowland, and since I can’t remember the third member of Destiny’s Child, we will just sub in Keri Hilson. Taylor Swift would be there too, she would be whipping around in a pair of roller blades bringing us all refreshments and fresh fruit. And for good measure, Rachael Ray would be in the kitchen in lingerie, cooking her god damn ass off. I dream big my friend.

Here’s what I’d like to know, if you hate your job so much, why don’t you just quit? There are a lot of people out there, like myself, that would love to make a hundred thousand dollars a year, but don’t have the requirements to do it. You have a pretty easy job I would say, yet all you do is bitch because you think everyone is stupid.

Yeah, for those of you that didn’t think so, I get hate mail too, I can’t complain, its par for the course. And I really thought this needed addressing. First off all, and to make sure I will go back and check, I’m positive I never said I hated my job. In fact, I actually love my job, ask anyone, they will tell you that much. Secondly, I wish I did, but I most assuredly don’t, make a hundred grand a year. There are indeed a handful of us that do, but between you and me, I don’t have the kind of work ethic needed to put that much time in, and personally I find it pretty damn ridiculous anyway. And what requirements do I have that you don’t have? I have a license, and can somewhat communicate coherently, and as long as you do and can as well, then go apply and come aboard. It’s that simple. As for your last comment, writing about bad scenarios is a lot more appealing than writing about good scenarios, no one wants to hear me talk about nice old ladies that bring me muffins, that just doesn’t make good fodder. And most people aren’t stupid, they are ignorant, there’s a big difference. Ignorance is a lack of information, and I’m patient, most of the time with these people. Stupidity is the ability to learn, with the appropriate information available, but refusing to understand and apply said information. Those are the people I can’t stand and bitch about. Oh, and for the record, the stupid people make the blog, as is clearly the case here.

The NBA is back, who’s going to win it all this season? And are you on the LeBron/Miami Heat bandwagon yet? If not you will be soon.

LeBron first. No I’m not, nor will I ever be on that bandwagon my friend. Even before the Decision fiasco, I wasn’t a LeBron fan, never have been really. But I think the defining moment in my thoughts about LeBron were solidified after the Celtics dismissed the Cavs in the playoffs that year. LeBron didn’t even get off the court and he was tearing his jersey off as if to say, thank god my time with this team, HIS home town team BTW, is finally over. It was a classless move, and proved that given athletic ability aside, James is nothing more than a heartless overrated scrub who could have been the next best thing, but now can’t get old and retire soon enough. Since that day everything he has said and done has done nothing but prove this, over and over again. As for a prediction, ok, well, my thinking is, due to a lack of training camp, two game preseason, and condensed schedule, this season will belong to young teams who have had their nucleus intact for a little while now. I won’t get into division’s here, that’s too much, we will leave that to sports illustrated and ESPN, but I’ll call this, Chicago Bulls vs. Oklahoma City in the finals. Both teams have solid young athletic cores, and showcase 2 if not three of the best players in the league, depending on how you rate Russell Westbrook, and how well he plays Robin to Kevin Durant’s Batman. I’ll also say that the Heat will win 50 plus games this year, but just won’t have enough in the tank come playoffs, and the Raptors will be lucky to make it to 20 wins. Kevin Durant will win the scoring title, Kemba Walker will win Rookie of the year, and Durant will be the MVP as well. If the BusDriva said it, bet on it, but I want my ten points if you win.

Were you really reading an article on “the strange existence of anti-matter and its radical imbalance as a cosmic constituent”, and if so, how do you find this stuff?

Haha, yeah I was, I’m not going to lie to you, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, but remember, reading is reading, and your brain is a muscle too, it requires exercise, just like every other muscle in your body. How did I find it? Well, to understand that means you’ll have to understand my routine. The first thing I do every afternoon when I fall out of bed, is go and pour me the hugest cup of coffee that you can imagine, then I sit down in front of the computer, queue up a somewhat random playlist on YouTube and begin scouring the internet for my daily reads. I start with the sports pages, obviously, and then I hit the news. Mostly local and primarily TTC related first, then on to some west coast California stuff, just to stay in the know. Just in case I happen to find myself conversing with anyone out there. It doesn’t really happen to be honest, but maybe it will one day, and I’ll be prepared, and like my old boss at The Keg used to say, “Failure to prepare is preparing to fail”. When I’m caught up on my news and sports, I hit the main sites, Yahoo, Bing, etc. for whatever is trending, which is where I actually find the craziest stories, like the article in question. I read them all, even if they are over my head, and retain what I can. You would be surprised at how much I recall in daily conversation, it’s actually really cool. I blow a lot of people’s minds with the useless shit I have stored up there. It doesn’t exactly get the broads, but it does come in pretty handy with the crosswords.

So you drive a bus for what, 8 hours straight every night? How do you do it? I’d probably go insane just driving back and forth constantly like that.

Sometimes more than eight hours, actually, and sometimes less, and to be fair, I wasn’t exactly sane when I started this job some four years ago. But I suppose growing up as an only child (that explains a lot doesn’t it) with an overly active imagination comes in really handy out there. I just drift off into LA LA land and daydream a lot. Driving is pretty much second nature at this point, and doesn’t require a whole lot of attention, especially when you do the same route all the time like I tend to do. OCD actually helps as well, I’m always supposed to be in the same place at the same time every day, and subconsciously that keeps me focused on the task at hand. Also remember there are constantly people coming on and off the bus, so if I get bored I just strike up a conversation with someone. Sometimes I regret that though, because sometimes I start to talk to someone that has absolutely nothing to do, and now we are apparently pals, and they just ride with me all night long. Other than that, I whistle, sometimes even sing (shhh), hit on chicks, and plan blogs. Sadly the planning of the blogs are the only one I’m really any good at, but oh well, such is life. Usually at the end of the trip you get a few minutes to stretch and work on a crossword or something, or you bump into another bus driver and chew the proverbial fat for a few minutes. The nights usually go by quite quickly to be honest. I mean sometimes they are nightmares, and never seem to end, but every job has that, right? More often than not though, pretty seamless and smooth, as long as you can keep yourself entertained, of which I have no problem really.