So yesterday I had Mary Browns for lunch. And not surprising, it was amazing. But I couldn’t help but to think back to when KFC was the one and only destination when it came to getting some fried chicken. Back then Mary Browns was all you could get when you were miles out of the city, in some rural township that the Colonel would never venture to. Mary’s knew her role, and made a solid product, her gravy was if not as good, very, very close. Her fries were just as good, and for fun, she had Taters. Now I’m on the fence with taters, and that would understandably cause a little bit of a stir. Yeah, they are seasoned and spiced like nobody’s business, but lately I’ve been staying away from them, primarily because no matter what they do, they just don’t come out crunchy. Some people like overtly heavy girls, some people like snug jeans, me, I like my fries well done. I’ve asked for the taters well done, but they just don’t get crunchy. So I stick with the fries. All that aside, lunch was great, and I realized something, I can’t honestly recall the last time that I had a decent experience at KFC. And it got me wondering, how come?
Well, after a little bit of exhaustive thinking, because I just have spare time like that, I have come up with four primary reasons why the old Colonel fell off, and what exactly KFC did wrong to lose the firm grip it had on the land of deep fried chicken. First off, the health kick that was the late 90’s set off a chain reaction that would eventually be the beginning of the end. Now we all know when we walk in that door, that we aren’t getting anything less than 1400 calories regardless of what we order, and personally, as a man, I don’t particularly care about that. But as an attack on our mindset, Kentucky Fried Chicken underwent a name change. It would no longer be known as such, from now and forever on, it was to be called KFC. The thinking behind it was, “if we take the fried out of our name, people will think it’s a healthy alternative to other options”. Basically, they said, these people are stupid sheep, and we are gonna pull the wool over their eyes. We are going to become the healthy choice without becoming the healthy choice, and everyone is going to fall for our little plan because we are smart and they are dumb. Subconsciously we knew what was going on, and our perception of them forever changed, because we know our mothers didn’t raise fools, and regardless of how much we love something, we hate being played for the idiot even more. We knew that that shit was fried in grease (oops, oil) which was fundamentally the main reason we went in there, health be damned, it tasted good. Wait, it tasted great. And we loved it. Second reason, they used to have this bomb little mixed vegetable salad, you know the one, with the corn, and the carrots, and the vinaigrette. As carnivores, substantially, we don’t care for salad, but as intelligent people, we understand, when dinning on a bucket of deep fried bird, and fries, we do require some assistance in digesting and expelling said delicacies. That salad was the only choice when in need of a digestive aid, and they stopped making it. What am I gonna eat? Potato salad? Like I’m at Aunt Kelly’s picnic? Or macaroni salad? There’s only one macaroni salad, and it is called Kraft dinner, and if you say or think otherwise, I will have to fight you. That vegetable salad was more than a tolerable salad, it was actually tasty as hell, even if it was mainly sugar glazed cold vegetable’s, I liked it, and some nights I wake up in cold sweats missing it, not unlike a former heroin addict, even 10 years later, wakes up in the middle of the night in cold sweats, longing for some cooked up Black Tar.
Third, and possibly the most important reason. When, where, why, and how the fuck did extra crispy tasty chicken fall out of existence? If there’s one thing that I myself personally would love more than a big breasted, thick, bad Asian chick that wears garter belts, thigh high pantyhose and throwback Jordan 6’s to bed, it would be a bucket of deep fried, 11 herbs and spiced, death in a meal, chicken skin. And extra crispy tasty chicken was as close to that as any proprietor was legally allowed to serve us. It’s the equivalent to a martini in a bar. By law, you’re only allowed a maximum of two shots per drink legally, and the only exception to that rule is by ordering a three ounce martini. A way around a system that is set up to deprive us of what we want. A martini, and extra crispy tasty chicken, beats the system, and allows us, the working man or woman, to determine what level of intoxication we can handle, in a single serving, be it through alcohol, or “Itis”, it doesn’t matter, it’s our call. Extra crispy tasty chicken was the single greatest idea ever conceived, and discontinuing it could be the worst decision made since Judas sold out Christ. Just a flat out dumb move, with poor planning, and even poorer execution. Finally, and most recently, the double down. A blatant attempt to what? Steal customers from a completely different target audience? Look, if I want a sandwich, I’m going to Harvey’s, or Burger King. Plain and simple. Although I do applaud the attempt, because that thing does look tempting, and it’s no secret, I love a heart stopper of a meal, but I don’t appreciate back dooring. That’s not cool. What if Addidas starting selling Jordan Suits? What if the raptors started playing baseball? (actually since they aren’t very good at basketball, that wouldn’t be the worst idea ever). What if jeep started making smart cars? Is that the type of world we live in? Where there are no principals? No morals? No one sticks to their guns? Respects what got them to the dance? Anyone can just do anything they feel like, when they feel like, with little to no passion for the rules of war? That double down could have been the kick off to a world of sheer anarchy, where all boundaries and limits are out the window, if not for one saving grace, the simple fact being that not everyone has time to take a shower after eating their lunch, which is exactly what the double down demands of you. Lucky us for being the busy people that we are. The double down could have made this world a very, very bad place to be to be a part of.
No, from now one we go to good old reliable Mary Browns, who has found its way into more urban areas, who’s chicken is always thick skinned, and usually cooked fresh to order and although they don’t have any decent salads themselves, that’s not a primary concern of ours, their gravy is just as good, if not a little better and the fries have become much, much tastier than the Colonel's'. The final nail in the coffin of the Kentucky boys, whom I can’t even bring myself to name one more time, though, would be, if Mary could only get those Taters crunchy.
