Banks.................. #FuckOuttaHere

Have you ever wondered why there are always moderately good looking people working at the bank?  In fact, I’d go as far as to say at least 85 to 90 % of the people who work at the bank are collectively good looking, well groomed, and a combination of well and soft spoken.  And don’t really pay attention to the old people that work there either, they may not look it now, but they have just worked there for a very long time.  I assure you, when they started at the bank they were pretty eye-catching as well.  But why is that?  Well, the answer is simple really, because not a lot of people out there object to being fucked by attractive, well-presented well-mannered individuals.  And fuck they do my friends, fuck they do.  They are the highest ranking masters of the Kama Sutra in the known Universe.  They bang you in every position conceivable with whatever force they desire, weather you want them to or not.  In addition, they are the most heinous of sexual deviants, because your pleasure or satisfaction doesn’t even factor in on their list of priorities.  Just raw dog, chapped assed, hardcore porno fucking.  Now I’ll go in on both the source of this post, as well as a plan I’ve come up with in a second, but before we do that, we first have to discuss what exactly a bank is, and how banks came into existence.

A very long time ago in, I believe it was, Italy somewhere (I’m not 100% sure if that’s factually correct, but it’s not important to the story), the currency of the day was gold.  And gold came in a variety of coins and bars (I’m sure purity was of some significance too, but again, not important to the story really), and most people kept their gold on their person or in their house.  Then slowly an epidemic started and break-ins and robbery became a serious problem.  People needed a way to keep their money (gold) safe, but solutions were difficult to come by.  Along comes “Citizen A” who just happened to have space and resources at his avail, and he built himself an extremely large storage area (usually kept underground, accessible through a basement or crawl space) that had very strong walls, a locking system, and was decently hidden.  “Citizen A” was an entrepreneurial of sorts, and offered his primitive version of a vault  as security for monies, valuables and anything else that required safe keeping, thus becoming societies first incarnation of a “Banker”.  For a nominal fee, “Citizens B” through whatever could store their treasures at “Citizen A”’s, and come and get what they needed when they needed it.  As “Citizen A”’s clientele grew, it rapidly become moderately inconvenient for him, as people would continually knock on his door requesting access to their goods all day every day, anytime they wanted to do a transaction.  So “Citizen A” came up with a plan.  Instead of having to come see him when they needed currency, he would write down on a bunch of pieces of paper different values, representing what people owned, and those pieces of paper, measured in denominations, could be endorsed and traded back and forth throughout the town in exchange for goods and services, in lieu of gold, or what not.  This caught on quite well in fact, and “Citizen A” came to a realization.  He now had this “vault” full of monies and valuables that didn’t really need to be accessible, as long as he kept solid book keeping.  People of the area trusted him, and so long as they had paper to trade, the gold, etc. just sat there collecting dust.  Ever the savvy business man, “Citizen A” started using other people’s gold to purchase things like land, farming equipment, livestock and other necessities that he could put into use and make other ventures and capital off of, just as long as he kept enough on hand at his site to appease the odd customer who actually still wanted access to their money.  In essence, he didn’t get paid his fee’s to safe keep anything, he got paid his fee’s to profit off his payer’s money.  There is just one thing “Citizen A” didn’t count on, but we will get to that in a few moments.
Now, I never really had any problems with banks before.  I, like most of you, just said whatever, there’s a cost associated with everything, and that’s that.  But all of that changed the moment I became a homeowner (of which I am no longer, thankfully), and one day I did a little math.  When I sat down in front of my calculator, and ran the numbers, I came to an astonishing find.  By the time my mortgage would be fully paid off, without any type of fast tracking or anything like that, I would have paid almost $600,000.  Now would be a good time to tell you the amount I “paid” for that house.  Are you ready?  $272,000.  So by the time it was all said and done, I would have paid more than double the actual “cost”.  For relation purposes, do you know what would happen to me if I were to say, lend you $272, and demand that you pay me back $600?  Well, if you called the police and told them the deal we made, I would subsequently be arrested and either fined harshly or jailed for “Loan Sharking”.  So who calls the cops and gets the banks arrested?  No one, that’s who, why not?  Because the percentage points required for “Loan Sharking” to be considered are usually around 60% over a period of around a year (vary by region).  And banks get around this by “front loading interest” then “compounding annually”, and other little tricks like that.  But my mortgage is the past, and not why we are here today.  Now, the other day I opened a savings account, and transferred half of my chequing account over to it.  I’m not ashamed to tell you what I have, because as most of us know, I’m in a “starting over” process, and it happens to a lot of us once in a while.  So I moved $3001 over to the savings account to qualify for the higher daily interest rate which is a staggering 0.1%, but whatever it’s more than nothing.  In fact it’s .1 percent more than nothing, which is practically nothing, but again, whatever.  I also now qualified for a multi-product rebate, since I now had multiple products with the bank.  Previously I paid $13.95 monthly to bank here, which I thought was pretty fucking noble of me in the first place, and now I get $1.50 off that per month.  But here’s what I discovered about the account that I just opened.  Unless I transfer money from it online, so if I do anything with that money at a store, or even at the bank itself, via the teller or the ATM, I have to pay $1.50 to touch it.  Say I take, for example, $1 out one time at the bank, I’m now back up to paying $13.95 that month.  IT’S MY FUCKING MONEY!!    Aside from the fact that I’m a generous fucking guy, why am I paying that much even??????  You have my $6,000, all I have left over from having to learn a very hard life lesson (don’t marry solely for looks people, PLEASE), and I have to pay you to how much to access it?   How is this allowed?  When did this start?  Why hasn’t anything been done about this shit?  Never mind mortgages, car loans, credit etc. because most of that is just people not living within their means in the first place, and that has a cost.  This is people like you and me having to pay someone a ridiculous fee to, as we discussed earlier, not necessarily hold our money, but to turn around and benefit from our money, which is what they do.  If all 6 thousand of my dollars were sitting right there in the corner of the bank, with a sign over it that says “BRAD'S GWAP, DN'T FUCKING TOUCH” and there was a guard making sure that sign was obeyed, then no problem, fourteen bucks a month well spent.  But they are taking my 6 grand, mixing it with your however much, and investing it anywhere they can and making serious money off of it.  All the while, I can hardly sit comfortably for any period of time, due to this aching asshole I have from the torrid raping it gets to the tune of $13.95 a god damn month!

RALLY THE TROOPS, because here’s what we are going to do.  The banks today, just like our friend “Citizen A” of yester year never thought of this little problem.  We have to get everyone organized, it will start with my paltry 700 or so weekly readers and will grow form there, seriously though, we need every one board for this to work.  When we are all ready, we will all walk down to the bank together, and one by one, withdrawal every dollar we have at every bank we use. It won’t take more than a few hours before the banks start running out of money to hand out.  And hopefully I will be the one they have to say these words to… “Sorry sir, I’m afraid we don’t have you’re 6 thousand dollars you pay us $13.95 a month to watch”, because then it’s time.  First things first, get those good looking, well dressed soft spoken people out of the way, because they after all are just employee’s and it’s not their fault.  You know what, get them in line with us, because I’m pretty sure they are getting doggy styled just as we are, do you think anyone gets free anythings from these rapists?  And now……. we tear these buildings to the ground.  It’s Watts, it’s L.A., it’s Vancouver, it’s London all rolled into one.  It’s nothing more than us wanting OUR money that WE work our asses off for.  What are they going to do, call the cops?  The cops are in line with us!  The army?  Shit, they are here too; everyone is here wanting nothing more than what’s ours.  And when the smoke is clear and the dust settles, the government will have to step in, because everyone knows “Citizen A” has been kicking upstairs the whole damn time, and someone will eventually have to give us our comings, because we aren’t going anywhere until we get it .  So do what you do whenever it’s good for you, and create money, print it off and get down here with it, I’d be fast if I was you.  And in the aftermath of all this, we will do what we should have done all along.  We will hold onto what’s ours, and learn to live within our means.  We will eat first, and purchase what we want after and only after we have what we really need to live.  We will learn to respect each other and each other’s property, and no one will have to worry about leaving the house because someone may come in and take our holdings.  We will become a society that operates on the good of everyone in it and has self-respect and appreciation for those around us.  And we will never, ever let ourselves become institutionalized again. We will……… Wait a minute……….   FUCK.  This whole plan hinges on people respecting each other and behaving humanly? You know what?  Never mind, $13.95 a month isn’t really that much anyway…….  Go back to doing what you were doing, I’ll see you all next week.