You Are Not Going To Believe This Shit........

Don’t say a damn thing about it.  Don’t judge me.  And don’t think your any better.  Those are three things I have to say before I profess what I am about to profess.  And here goes; “Yes I have a “Plenty Of Fish” account”.  Shut up, so what, you have one too.  It could be inactive, it could be disabled, or you may have just got off it right now to check my blog, although if that’s the case your order of priorities needs direction.   We are all there for the same reason.  Well, maybe that’s not true, you could be there to meet someone, but I’m there strictly for comical relief, and comical it is my friends, comical it is.  In all fairness and honesty though, I have managed to meet a handful of pretty cool girls on that site, and while scheduling is difficult for me, I do have a friend or two that I get together with from time to time, but more or less that site is ridiculous.  Now, I’m not here today to get into the shallowness of the woman on that site, and how, every time they log in they somehow automatically bump up two or three notches on the classic one to ten scale.  Nor am I here to address the guys, and how their online alter ego’s take douchebagness to a whole another level.  Although on those two things alone, I could write a dozen posts without ever fearing a lack of material.  But no, I’m here today to share with you a (rather one sided) conversation that has been going on for some time now on that site, that is just too fucking funny to keep to myself any longer.  In the words of Kenny Bania from Seinfeld, “it’s gold Jerry, pure gold”.

About a month or so ago, I get a message from this woman.  I’m still debating whether or not I should publish her screen name.  Ah fuck it, she deserves it.  In fact, I’m going to call Eli too, to see how to upload pictures of her, so you can see exactly what I’m dealing with here. Aside from fixing some spelling and grammar I promise I won’t edit anything, just give it to you how it happened.  I’m also not going to rant about how she is the size of a Lincoln (Navigator not MKZ, for the record), nor how Medusa wouldn’t dare make eye contact with her, because that’s shallow, and clearly I’m not that kind of guy.  I’ll just show you the correspondence and if I can the pictures, and you can form whatever judgment’s you want too. 

BigGirlGoinThin;  (Jan.25, 2012) hey dude, you live in aurora too, how sweet is that??

BigGirlGoinThin;  (Jan 26, 2012) hello, I just saw you online.  Message me back I want to chat damnit….ROFL

BigGirlGoinThin; (Jan 26, 2012) ok seriously, you come online, and don’t reply when a cute girl wants to talk, seriously, you have issues.

BigGirlGoinThin; (Jan 27, 2012) last call, clearly you think your better than me, and you have no reason to.  I’m a really nice person, and just so you know I give amazing head. 

BigGirlGoinThin; (Jan 27, 2012) or maybe your gay??   Hope not, that would be a shame.

BigGirlGoinThin; (Jan 30, 2012) look, I just wanted to give you one more chance, you said in your profile that you don’t have the time to play games.  And neither do I.  In fact I bet we have a lot of things in common.  I like Italian food, and cuddling while watching movies.  What about you?  Tell me a bit about yourself please.  I really want to get to know you.

BigGirlGoinThin; (Feb 3, 2012) alright, I refuse to put any more effort into this, clearly you’re not interested, and that’s a big mistake on your part asshole.  I hope you die you piece of shit.

BigGirlGoinThin; (Feb 4, 2012) I’m up late drinking tonight, if you want to get together for the best piece of ass you’ll ever have in your life.  Add me to BBM if you have it, ######## and come over and get it. 

(Writers note; not even I’m evil enough to publish her BBM for everyone to have….and no I didn’t add her….lol)

BigGirlGoinThin; (Feb 6, 2012) I bet you live like right around the corner and everything, seriously dude, how good would that be.  Message me back will you, I’ll make you happy. I promise

(Writers note; finally I respond.)

Me; (Feb 7, 2012) ok, that’s enough, I’m seriously starting to fear for my safety here.  Can you please stop messaging me?  I stopped finding this funny a few messages ago.

BigGirlGoinThin; (Feb 8, 2012) wow, what a fuckin prick, I can’t believe I liked you so much. (Writers note; WTF???)  I’m blocking an asshole piece of shit like you, I don’t need you in my life anymore.  (Writers note; seriously, WTF????)

(Writers note; I blocked her at this point, note her name change, and reasoning, this bitch is certifiable!!)

BackForMore20; (Feb 14, 2012)  Hey hun, I just wanted to say “happy VALENTINES DAY”.  You’ll never believe what happened.  I was talking to this other guy, no, he’s nowhere near as hot as you, and I decided that he wasn’t good enough for me, but he wouldn’t get the point, so I blocked him, but then he made a new account and kept messaging me anyway.  So I deleted my profile, and made a new one with a new name.  Hopefully he doesn’t find me this time.  I can’t stand when people don’t get the message.  What’s new, what are you up too?  Want to grab a drink or a coffee sometime?

(Writers note; Right?)

Me (Feb 15, 2012) Yeah I hate that.  Oh, and I’m blocking you again.  This is the last time I’m going to be nice about it too.  So pretty please, with sugar on top, don’t message me again.

(Writers note; note the name change again….)

Bac4more35; (Feb 17, 2012) Hey sexy i had to change my account i had some guy harassing me AGAIN. I'd block him and he would make a new account.  What the hell is with guys anyway?  Anyway, I wasn’t sure if you messaged me back before I deleted that account, so I wanted to message you with the new one so you would have it.  TTYS

Bac4more35; (Feb 18, 2012) You know I wonder to myself what i need to do to get a reply out of you? If it’s the weight, dude its coming off in May.  It’s amazing what having money can buy !! :) Seriously you should really give me a try I am great to be around I have an awesome personality and am seriously fun.  Message me and ill prove it.

Bac4more35; (Feb 20, 2012) so you’re a guy, I need some advice, what do you think is better, the BMW SUV or the Cadillac SUV.  I’m going to buy one in the next week or so, but can’t decide.  The price isn’t important I don’t care about that.  If you help me decide I’ll let you drive it whenever you want. 

Bac4more35; (Feb 21, 2012) hellllloooooo, I’m supposed to go to the dealership today, and I never heard back from you.  I really hope I don’t buy the wrong one, I want to get what you think is better.  Message me back before 2, that’s when I’m going.  I can’t wait later than that though.

Bac4more35; (Feb 22, 2012) ok, so I didn’t go yesterday, I really want to hear what you think about it, because I don’t want to be a girl and make the wrong choice when it comes to cars.  Especially one that is so expensive. 

Bac4more35; (Feb24, 2012) I just saw you were online, and you didn’t message me back, can I ask you a question? Is it the weight?  I told you it’s coming off.  Oh, and you should know, I own my own house, and live alone.  And I don’t need any money from you, just you.  That’s all.  Why won’t you message me back?  Take the chance, you will be so happy you did. Trust me.  Take a minute and think about it. 

(writers note; I finally messaged back)

Me; (Feb 25, 2012) You are really unbelievable you know that.  Do you want to know why I don’t message you back, because it’s simple really.  You’re fucking nuts!!!   You blow me up nonstop on this site, imagine if I was, GASP, on your bbm??  My battery would be dead three times a day.  And never mind if your “swimfan” ass knew where I lived.  I could only imagine the horror.  You’d probably show up every night when I got home from work and drive back and forth in front of my house constantly during the day.  At first I felt kind of bad for you, because clearly you’re lonely, but now I’m thinking the only solution to your problem is lethal injection.  You should look into that immediately, never mind Cadillac’s or BMW’s, because cars are the least of your concerns.  And before you try and say anything to me, look at the message count, it’s like what?  58-3??  You’re oblivious.  Completely and obviously.  Message me again, please.  Just to confirm your insanity, and make me feel a little bit better about sending this message.

Bac4more35; (Feb 27, 2012) Cool I just wanted to have a conversation But clearly you seem to seem to know it all. Very cool ya I wouldn't even want to know where it is you live. I’m so humored right now if you were on my bbm list, basically I would poke you a thousand times a day just being funny. But I’m going to block you now so I don’t have the urge to send you anymore messages. I didn’t think I was being annoying just simply expressing myself. I hope you find what it is your looking for and I promise once you see the new me in June you'll be messaging me and I promise you , you won’t even get the time of day from me . Seriously though I hope it works out for you :) I thought you would have been flattered to have someone so attractive with a brain, their own house and money in the bank that also happens to live so close to you.  But I guess not.  Because you know everything don’t you. I found you attractive and I’ll be honest, I’ve only been with one person for the past 5 years, and FYI she was a woman.  Ya, I’m bi sexual, and have a lot of bi sexual friends as well.  Too bad you didn’t message me back, we could have had a lot of fun. Do you know that on Valentine’s Day I spent the entire day cleaning the house, and had a nice long shower, and cooked a nice dinner, in the event that you came online, I was going to invite you over.  That would have been great. I recently met another guy of this site, and I had to tell him upfront that I really liked you, and even though we haven’t met yet, one day we will, but now I’m starting to reconsider that.  Then I opened my email last night and that person was basically threatening to punch me in the face.  These are the guys I attract, and that’s why I liked you sooooo much.  Because you would never do that. But oh well.  Now that I know you’re an asshole I won’t let you stop me from meeting new people and making them happy in ways you can only dream of.  But you made me more aware of my surroundings that’s for sure.   I put my cards on the table and you chose not to play.  Your loss asshole.  Someone’s else’s gain.  Someone else’s gain.  Im blocking you now, don’t ever message me again.

                                                             (Here's The Pictures...........)